I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
