Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
