i may or may not be watching the land before time
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
