he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
