:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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