If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
