Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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