She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
