Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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