i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize