I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Houston, we have a squirter
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
