Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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