Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
