if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
