today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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