I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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