What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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