I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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