how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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