I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
