I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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