I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
