Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
