I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
