apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
