Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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