I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
