I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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