By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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