So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
True strength comes from lack of pants
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
