it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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