How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
