You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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