Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
