1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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