The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
