Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my sisters under your porch take her home
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
