I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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