Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
