Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
