You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
