New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
