My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
