I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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