I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
