Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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