I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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