the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
