One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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