new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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