Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
