Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
where are you?
Hypothermia
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
