Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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