2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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