the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
