I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
