Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
